Saturday, January 21, 2012

10 new things I’ve learned about babies.


Now that my baby girl is almost a year old, I’ve become so much wiser in the world of parenting. Much wiser than even my previous revelations at 2 months and at 4 months. She has opened my eyes to a whole new world of crazy.

At 2 months old, on April 25, 2011, I wrote:
1. Babies poop. A lot.
2. The more obnoxious I can be making sounds, the bigger the smile I’ll get back in return.
3. Always check the lower back when changing a diaper. How the heck did it creep all the way up there?!
4. Babies fuss. A lot.
5. The only thing that could be more torturous then giving her a bath is putting her clothes back on.
6. Don’t wear nice clothes during the burping process.
7. Just because I’m changing her diaper doesn’t mean she is done going to the bathroom. Eck.
8. Moms always know what’s best. When in doubt, give her back to mom.
9. Babies wait until they leave the house to have a diaper blow-out of epic proportions.
10. Leah already has her dad wrapped around her finger. With blue eyes like those, how could I say no?

At 4 months old, on June 10, 2011, I wrote:
11. Breast milk will inevitably get on me. There’s no avoiding it.
12. If a baby is hungry enough, she will take a bottle! (Small, yet important accomplishment of my early fatherhood era)
13. A 12 amp vacuum cleaner and the womb apparently have the same sound characteristics. It works like a charm every time. Goodnight Leah and hellooooo nap-time for dad!
14. If she fusses, face her outwards. If that doesn’t work, face her inwards. If that doesn’t work, bounce up-and-down while singing. If that doesn’t work, shower her with kisses and make her laugh. If that doesn’t work, check the diaper. If that doesn’t work, try to feed her. If that doesn’t work, ask mom for any suggestions. When all options are exhausted, go back to step 1 and repeat.
15. If mom wants her to wear something cute, mom needs to put the appropriate clothes out for dad before leaving for work.
16. When she lovingly stares into my eyes, I’m always weary… There’s a 97% chance that she’s not infatuated with me, but instead is preparing to have a bowel movement of a certain magnitude.
17. Telling jokes to her does nothing. In fact, it actually has the opposite effect. It’s best to just stick with the obnoxious sounds and faces.
18. When toxic baby poop gets on clothes, wash immediately or forever have a poop stain!
19. If there is an important phone call to make, wait until mom gets home.
20. After 3 1/2 months, Leah still has me wrapped around her slimy, saliva-covered finger. How can a baby drool this much and not become dehydrated?!

At 11 months old, here are the newest 10 things I’ve learned.
21. Reading books every night before bedtime is good for her AND me. Seriously, my public reading skills have improved 500%. I can comfortably go from the easy book, Where’s Spot? to Seuss’ nightmare of a read, Oh the Places You’ll Go! without skipping a beat.
22. Crawling up a staircase for the four-hundreth time is apparently just as fun as the first.
23. If it’s left on the ground, she will find it. If it’s a plant, she will prune it. If it’s a clean window, she will finger-print it. If it’s anything but her toys, she will try and play with it.
24. She’d rather be in her birthday suit.
25. Her poops are 1/10 the size of an adult poop with 10x the stank.
26. When she’s happy, SHE’S HAPPY. When she’s fussy, SHE’S FUSSY. It’s black and white with very little gray.
27. Her laugh is contagious!
28. Only 1/2 of Leah’s food actually ends up in her stomach. The rest goes on the floor, smashed between her fingers or smeared on her face.
29. In the middle of a grocery store is not the time to realize you left the diaper bag at home. Refer back to #25.
30. Being a parent is the most difficult and rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced. Ever.
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