11. Breast milk will inevitably get on me. There's no avoiding it.
12. If a baby is hungry enough, she will take a bottle! (Small, yet important accomplishment of my early fatherhood era)
13. A 12 amp vacuum cleaner and the womb apparently have the same sound characteristics. It works like a charm every time. Goodnight Leah and hellooooo nap-time for dad!
14. If she fusses, face her outwards. If that doesn't work, face her inwards. If that doesn't work, bounce up-and-down while singing. If that doesn't work, shower her with kisses and make her laugh. If that doesn't work, check the diaper. If that doesn't work, try to feed her. If that doesn't work, ask mom for any suggestions. When all options are exhausted, go back to step 1 and repeat.
15. If mom wants her to wear something cute, mom needs to put the appropriate clothes out for dad before leaving for work.
16. When she lovingly stares into my eyes, I'm always weary... There's a 97% chance that she's not infatuated with me, but instead is preparing to have a bowel movement of a certain magnitude.
17. Telling jokes to her does nothing. In fact, it actually has the opposite effect. It's best to just stick with the obnoxious sounds and faces.
18. When toxic baby poop gets on clothes, wash immediately or forever have a poop stain!
19. If there is an important phone call to make, wait until mom gets home.
20. After 3 1/2 months, Leah still has me wrapped around her slimy, saliva-covered finger. How can a baby drool this much and not become dehydrated?!
(Leah, 3 1/2 Months Old. Nikon F100, Nikon 85mm f/1.4G Nikkor Lens, Kodak Portra 400 film.)